It Wasn't Me (Song Fic)
by bludger
Summary: A funny song fic sung to the tune of Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me". Takes place in Book 2.


It Wasn't Me (Filk)  
  
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters appearing here belong to JK Rowling. The lyrics of "It Wasn't Me" aren't mine either.  
  
Scene: People, animals and ghosts are being Petrified and everyone suspects Harry Potter  
  
enter Harry, running  
  
HARRY: (knocking on the first-floor bathroom door)  
Hey guys!  
  
RON:  
Yeah?  
  
HARRY:  
Open up, guys.  
  
RON: (opening door)  
What do you want man?  
  
HARRY:  
They think they've "caught" me.  
  
HERMIONE: (turning away from the cauldron she was stirring)  
Why, what happened?  
  
HARRY:  
Another attack just happened.  
  
RON:  
On whom?  
  
HARRY:  
Justin Finch-Fletchley, you know.  
  
RON:  
Man...  
  
HARRY:  
I don't know who's doing it.  
  
RON:  
Well, it's not you.  
  
Harry goes away  
  
HARRY:  
Alright...  
  
Ernie thought that he had caught me red-handed  
Petrifying the ghost of Gryffindor  
Picture him with Justin Finch-Fletchley  
Immobile on the cold stone floor  
How could I have done it  
When I was just passing by  
All this time there were lying there  
I didn't know how and why  
  
  
enter Ernie McMillan  
  
ERNIE MCMILLAN: (stubbornly)  
How can you spare a student who was down for Eton?  
Muggles and squibs we all know are in danger  
They'd better watch their backs before you turn them into statues  
Best for them to hide up in their dormitories for cover  
(nervously)  
I am a true wizard, I'm telling you today  
If someone says they're not, they'd better get out of the way  
Cause if they admit it in front of your face  
Who knows whether they'd end up looking like bouillabaisse  
  
enter Filch, Hannah Abbott, Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown and Professor Snape  
  
FILCH:  
He almost killed Mrs. Norris.  
  
HARRY:  
It wasn't me!  
  
HANNAH:  
Saw what he did to poor Colin.  
  
HARRY:  
It wasn't me!  
  
ERNIE:  
He kept annoying Harry Potter.  
  
HARRY:  
It wasn't me!  
  
HANNAH:  
He even burnt his camera.  
  
HARRY:  
It wasn't me!  
  
PARVATI:  
Next thing we know it's Justin.  
  
HARRY: (exasperated)  
It wasn't me!  
  
LAVENDER:  
He looked exactly like Colin.  
  
HARRY: (raising his voice)  
It wasn't me!  
  
PARVATI:  
Heard the words that he had spoken.  
  
HARRY:  
It wasn't me! (shouting)  
  
SNAPE:  
He's a Parselmouth, that Potter.  
  
exit Filch, Ernie, Hannah, Parvati, Lavender and Snape  
  
Peeves whooshes in  
  
PEEVES:  
Oh, Potter you pottery rotter  
What have you done now you jerk?  
You're killing 'em off one by one  
And you think that it's good fun  
  
HARRY:  
I have tried to tell you all  
About what you have seen  
Why won't you believe me  
When I say that it wasn't me?  
  
enter Ron and Hermione  
  
RON:  
We're sure it's not you and they've just been tricked  
Whenever they see you they run like stupid gits.  
Funny how they don't suspect that Malfoy kid  
I really think that he's behind all this  
  
HERMIONE:  
You know he's not worrying about the things that pass  
But still we found out that he's not the boss  
The answer: I think I've read it up somewhere in the past  
To the library I'd better run fast!  
  
  
exit Hermione  
Ron and Harry exchange puzzled expressions  
  
enter Ernie, Hannah, Parvati, Lavender, Percy, Fred and George  
  
ERNIE:  
Hey, have you heard about Granger?  
  
HARRY:  
So it's not me!  
  
HANNAH:  
She was attacked like Clearwater.  
  
PERCY: (shocked)  
Penelope?!  
  
PARVATI:  
They were found beside a mirror.  
  
HARRY:  
See, it wasn't me!  
  
LAVENDER:  
What could've it been for?  
  
PERCY: (still shocked)  
Penelope?!  
  
FRED: (whispering to Harry)  
That girl was also a prefect.  
  
HARRY:  
Who was she?  
  
GEORGE:  
Who, like Percy, was perfect.  
  
HARRY:  
Oh, I see.  
  
FRED:  
Percy must be really shaken.  
  
HARRY:  
What's up with that?  
  
GEORGE:  
Thought as a prefect he was protected.  
  
enter Gilderoy Lockhart looking extremely cheerful and arrogant  
students exit because of him  
  
LOCKHART:  
Harry come here, I've caught it one-handed  
The thing that's bringing us terror  
Picture this I was all by myself  
When I saw it down the corridor  
How could I not triumph  
Over the Heir of Slytherin  
Cause it knew that it was only   
A matter of time before I'd win  
  
enter McGonagall, and Snape  
  
MCGONAGALL: (to Lockhart)  
Gonna tell you a student has been taken to the Chamber itself  
I've been listening to your boasting  
It makes no sense at all  
  
SNAPE:  
But since you seem to know a lot we'll leave you everything  
Since you think you're such a hero  
We are giving you a go  
  
Lockhart looks terrified and exits  
McGonagall exits  
Harry and Ron enter again  
  
  
SNAPE: (to Harry and Ron)  
I still know though I haven't caught you red-handed  
Creeping through the dungeon doors  
You and Weasley are both guilty   
For stealing from my private stores  
(Harry and Ron try to look innocent)  
How could I forget  
The explosion of a cauldron full of goo  
So from now on I'll be  
Watching closely the two of you  
  
exit Snape with his robes billowing behind him  
exit Harry and Ron  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
